


I Told Myself That I'll Be Okay

by PrimeFan



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Hurts, GOT7_TAROT_19, Hurt/Comfort, Impending Early Death, Love Hurts, M/M, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, You might need tissues, but ya girl hit the send button like two minutes late, got7 mentioned, jaebeom is there to make things better, jinyoung is confused, or so Jackson believes, this was supposed to be part of, you're getting this anyways
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 12:54:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20174584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimeFan/pseuds/PrimeFan
Summary: Everyone is born with their Soulmates Lines on their skin. And when Soulmates meet, these Lines gain Shades and when they have truly fallen in Love, these Shades bloom into Colors. Requited Lovers destined to live their lives together happily. Forever.But sometimes, rarely, a person is born with their Soulmate's Lines already filled. Colors bright and cheerfull. A beautiful mark signalling a heartbreaking Fate.To be born with Colors means to have a Soulmate, but that Soulmate is Destined for someone else.It's cruel, to be born into a world Unrequited, Destined to have their Soulmate's Colors Fade, the Shades recede, the Lines disappear...and with them, the very tether that ties their Soul to this Earth.





	I Told Myself That I'll Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Reverse Chariot

"Live of ya, Live off ya, Cuz you're my Oxygen."

\- **Oxygen, Jackson Wang**

* * *

_ Jackson knew he was different from the day he was old enough to realize what the bright Colors on his hip really meant. _

* * *

“I’m Park Jinyoung.”

The feeling hit Jackson like a freight train. He still couldn’t say how he had continued on with only a quick intake of breath and a blink. 

“I’m Jackson from Hong Kong~!” he exclaimed loudly, with the biggest grin on his face. It hadn’t been fake. He’d been genuinely pleased to meet the man who’s Lines and Colors were traced Soul deep on his skin. 

Park Jinyoung smiled at him shyly, the cutest plump lips curving into a cupid bow smile and dimple flashing in a soft face. “Nice to meet you.”

He’d spent years preparing himself for this moment. He should have known better, really. There was no stopping the Fall. He was Destined to Love this young man after all. Bound to him. Chained.

Even if this same breathtaking Soul couldn’t love him back. Was Destined to Love somebody else. Was probably already Loving somebody else.

“Nice to meet you too. _ You’re cute_.” Jackson switched to Cantonese as soon as his basic Korean vocabulary ran out. He reached up, and before Jinyoung could blink, Jackson was poking his cheek, the cute indent of his dimple, even while his other hand still held Jinyoung’s. “_You’re really handsome_,” Jackson spoke in English. “_It’s unfair. _ Are you an actor?” 

He continued to speak in Cantonese, switching to English and back, taking in the way Jinyoung’s eyes went wide, overwhelmed. 

_ Adorable. _

Jackson could almost forget that Jinyoung’s Colors would soon start to Fade from his skin.

* * *

_ “It’s rare,” the specialist told his parents somberly. Jackson stared up at him with wide eyes from his mother’s lap. “I am sorry to tell you this but please. Be prepared.” _

_ “Prepared for what?” his father had asked softly. He’d held his mother’s hand and Jackson turned his head into his mother’s neck. His parents were upset. They weren’t crying. But... Jackson held her as tightly as he could and his mother spoke Shanghainese gently into his ear. _

_ “He is an Unrequited. Most...” the doctor hesitated. _

_ “Please, do not under state your words. Not for this. Not for us,” his mother spoke firmly. If her voice wavered, Jackson couldn’t remember. “He is my baby.” _

_ The doctor took a deep breath and Jackson could swear he could see him straighten his posture. He’d grow up appreciating this doctor, his candor and honesty. _

_ “Most do not live long lives due to the eventual heartbreak,” the doctor continued. “If he _ never _ meets his Other, he will theoretically live longer. Not by much but enough to start and raise a family, if he wanted. If he does meet his Other, it’s said the Colors will Fade, turning to Shades. The Shades will Fade and finally the Lines will Fade. It’s said that their departure will release the Soul from the body. It will be a slow process. It will take _ years _ . But he will never live a naturally long life.” _

_ Jackson’s father took a shuddering breath and Jackson peeked at him. Jackson would never forget the look of devastation on his face. Jackson’s mother clutched at him, almost painfully tight, and Jackson started to tear up. _

_ “Mommy?” Jackson whispered, child’s voice tight and wobbling. “Daddy?” Jackson’s father stood and gathered Jackson in his arms. He rocked, shushing him with a soft voice and Jackson tried to hold it back. But he was a child and he was so scared. _

_ “Am I going to die?” _

* * *

Jinyoung's Other was devastatingly handsome and Jackson hadn’t been able to bring himself to hate him. He thought he would. He’d spent years resenting the one who’d been born Requited to his Soulmate. After meeting Jinyoung, he decided Jinyoung’s happiness mattered more to him than his own pettiness. His own life, really. 

_ Literally. _

More than anything else, Jaebeom made Jinyoung happy. Jaebeom made Jinyoung so happy, Jackson’s heart ached to see it. It had been two years and the sight of it hadn’t lessened his feelings at all. If anything it had...

Jackson shook his head at himself. _ Lim Jaebeom._..

Jackson jumped on Jaebeom’s back and laughed as Jaebeom flailed his arms out, trying to keep his balance with a curse. From the side he heard Jinyoung’s unforgettable laughter ring out in the dance room. 

Jackson smiled at him. His left side throbbed. 

Beneath him, Jaebeom’s tank top slipped and bright Colors flashed in the open. He didn’t mean to but Jackson’s hand brushed over them as he slipped down with a thud. Jaebeom stiffened. Jackson pretended not to notice as he giggled and stumbled only to catch sight of figures at the other end of the dance floor. Jackson found his feet and rushed them.

Yugyeom, Bambam and Youngjae screeched and scattered. Mark shouted at them to calm down from where he was lying on the couch, head in a laughing Jinyoung’s lap. Jackson felt Jaebeom’s eyes on him and Jackson glanced back with a disarming wink and grin.

His hyperness could be excused, his touch of Jinyoung’s Colors on Jaebeom’s skin brushed off as accidental. 

They were debuting, after all.

_ GOT7. _

* * *

It was harder to hide the occasional limp and it took longer to brush off the pain. The ache was deep, piercing his bones. Jackson stretched on the floor. If he’d been with the others, he would have passed it off as muscle cramps. 

He wasn’t with the others. He cursed coarsely, using every bit of vocabulary Jaebeom had taught him over the years, and tried to fight the urge to cry. Jackson laid back and covered his face with his arms to hide the tears of frustration that threatened to spill over. He bent his knees up and bit his lip at the movement. His left side burned. His hip ached. Without looking, he knew that Jinyoung’s Colors were almost completely Faded. The reason for the gathering tears changed and suddenly he couldn’t stop them from falling.

He hit the floor with a fist. Again and again.

_ It had only been four years. _

* * *

“Your body needs to rest,” the doctor soothed. His cool hand was on Jackson’s neck, pressing into his pulse, measuring it. “_Jiaer _-”

“I know,” Jackson moaned. “I know. It’s just-” he took a shuddering breath as his head throbbed. “I didn’t know it would be so hard.” He _ had _ known but he hadn’t _ known._

“Proximity is the problem,” the doctor explained, resigned. The words fell from his lips like they had been repeated many times. They _ had _ been. “I’m not going to say things we already know. But please, _ please _ , think about taking a short break, any kind of break and give yourself _ distance _. Give yourself a moment to breathe for yourself and not for Jinyoung. You’ve been through every kind of up and down with him, with your boys, you’ve lived and breathed for them, for him, for four years. You’re-” the doctor bit his words back and took a calming breath himself. He stood and Jackson watched as the older man busied himself by checking the saline bag and the painkiller. 

_ You’re killing yourself faster._

“I’m pulling out of Japan,” Jackson voiced thickly. “To concentrate on growing my solo career. My schedule will be half and half, based in China and Korea. I’ll be able to go home more often, to see my family more often before... I’ll... I’ll be able to take a break, put some distance between me and... and GOT7.” _ Between me and Jinyoung._

The doctor turned towards him and his look of compassion had Jackson turning his head into his pillow to hide his crumbling face. When he felt a warm hand take his, he held onto it desperately. 

He was so tired of crying but he found the reasons to shed tears neverending. 

* * *

“Those were-”

Jackson froze and then yanked his shirt down. It wasn’t quick enough. He turned his left side away on instinct. Jackson looked at Jaebeom with wide eyes. He’d... he’d left the door unlocked. He never..._ why now_...

"Jackson-ah, that's-"

"It was nothing," Jackson heard himself say. "You didn’t see anything."

Jaebeom's face twisted, disbelief turning into anger. "I know I saw Jinyoung’s Lines,” Jaebeom hissed. He raised the opposite hand to touch his right shoulder and Jackson felt a maw open up inside his gut. “I know their shape like the back of my hand, Jackson-ah.”

“You’re seeing things,” Jackson continued. His voice shook. “They were just the regular Lines of an Unattached _ freebird_.” He swallowed. “How could they be Jinyoung’s Lines? Those are on _ your _ skin.”

Jaebeom was looking at him hard. “You’ve never shown us your Lines.”

“Of course not,” Jackson said automatically. “Those are private.”

“You’ve seen all of ours.”

“I never _ asked _to see them.”

Jaebeom took a step toward him and Jackson recoiled. He backpedaled and hit the counter behind him. Jaebeom froze and stared in confusion. Then the confusion grew to alarmed concern as Jackson’s breathing suddenly quickened.

Jackson stared back and this time he couldn't hide the tension at the corners of his eyes, the flash of old fear. If Jaebeom knew, if the company found out, would they make him leave? Would they cut their losses once they realized-

"Jackson-!"

-How fast his condition was deteriorating? Would they destroy his dreams, his reason for living, separate him from the group, _ Jinyoung _-

"Jackson-ah, _ breathe_!"

Jackson blinked. Jaebeom was right in front of him. _ When had that happened? _ Hands on his face, mouthing his name but Jackson couldn't hear anything over the ringing in his ears, couldn't speak because he was breathing too fast, panicking, hyperventilating-

Jackson clenched his eyes and grabbed Jaebeom's wrists with his hands. He squeezed them painfully and tried to inhale. He choked.

"Breathe with me. Come on, Jackson."

Jackson shuddered. He tried again and again. His chest hurt. 

"That's it."

Jackson inhaled and exhaled. He opened his eyes. Jaebeom’s face was close. His concern had completely overtaken the anger. "That's it," Jaebeom soothed. "You're okay-"

“No. I’m not,” Jackson replied shakily. His hold on Jaebeom’s wrists weakened. “Jaebeom-” he took a shuddering breath and just decided to say it. He was tired. There was no excuse he could give to get Jaebeom to forget what he had seen; The Lines or Jackson’s extreme reaction. “We have to talk.”

* * *

Jaebeom managed to get Jackson to his home with little fuss. Jackson fell into an exhausted feverish sleep and Jaebeom just sat at the edge of the bed and looked at him. They’d had a long talk, or rather it was Jackson speaking in a broken rush and Jaebeom listening and not knowing what to say.

Jackson was an _Unrequited _ . He was Unrequited to _ Jinyoung. _

Jaebeom covered his mouth and tried to think. The jealous, possessive anger that had risen in him when he’d seen Jinyoung’s Lines on another’s skin had burned out. In its place was something else. Something Jaebeom decided was far worse.

_ Dread. _

It grew in his gut as he remembered what little he knew about Unrequited. He didn’t know what was fact and fiction but the one thing all the stories and lessons told was that to live as an Unrequited was to live a short tragic life. He didn’t know of one story that had a happy ending.

“Fuck,” Jaebeom choked out. He reached out and touched Jackson’s face. His expression was still pinched, the worry lines between his eyebrows and the corner of his mouth visible. Jaebeom tried to smooth them away as much for his own comfort as it was for Jackson’s. 

_ Is he dying? _

The question floated across the forefront of his mind and Jaebeom shook his head violently. The thought stayed and Jaebeom stood to leave the room. The apartment. He just had to get away from Jackson. 

_ What the hell was he going to tell Jinyoung? _

* * *

_ Nothing. _

“You’re dying.”

“Not for a while,” Jackson responded robotically. “Another ten years, maybe.”

“..._10_.”

Jackson kept his eyes trained on the horizon. If he looked at Jaebeom, he knew he would break down again. The sunset was pretty. “I’m aiming to live until I’m at least forty. I want to have a family you know.”

“That’s...” Jaebeom’s voice was strangled and Jackson sighed. He braced himself and looked at Jaebeom. Jaebeom was looking at the horizon but his face was stricken, like he couldn’t see the beauty of it at all. “Jackson-ah, why didn’t you say something-”

“You can guess, Jaebeom-hyung.” Jackson shrugged. “You know how Jinyoung will take it. He’d convince himself it was his fault and beat himself up over it. He’d feel _ guilty_. It’s not... that shouldn’t be his burden.”

“He deserves to _ know _.”

“And what about what I deserve?” Jackson asked sharply. “Jinyoung has you and you have Jinyoung. For the rest of your life you’ll be part of each other. I have this little bit of time and I don’t want to spend it with Jinyoung looking at me like...”

Jaebeom looked at him and Jackson felt his throat close. “Like that.” Jackson looked away. He gave one last glance to the sunset and wondered how something so pretty could shine on something so sad. “I can’t have him looking at me like... like how you’re looking at me right now. I know it’s selfish. But I-”

Jaebeom reached for him but Jackson stepped away.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson told him. “I know I have no right to ask but please don’t tell Jinyoung. Not... not yet.” Jackson bowed deep. “I know I have no right to ask...”

“Jackson-ah,” Jaebeom looked at Jackson’s bowed form and once again felt himself be overwhelmed. He had to tell Jinyoung. They were Soulmates. He _ had _to. And yet-

_ And what about what I deserve? _

Jaebeom wanted to tell Jackson he had every right to ask. It as his _ life_, dammit.

“I won’t tell Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said before he could think. Jackson’s head snapped up to look at him in disbelief. “But-” he paused. “If he can’t know, than I want you to at least tell _ me _everything.”

Jackson slowly straightened. “You already know,” Jackson replied, confused. “What’s there to tell-”

“What’s there to-” Jaebeom shook his head and stepped to Jackson, who took a hesitant step back. “It hurts you.” He reached out again and this time Jackson let him take his hand. “I noticed, when I looked out for it. It’s not just cramps or overwork, right?”

Jaebeom was going to go mad, laying in bed and sifting through his memories of all their practices and performances, remembering those times Jackson had needed a break to stretch or winced and wonder.

Jackson’s grip tightened painfully and he looked to the side. “Oh,” he murmured. “That.”

“You know what will happen?” Jaebeom asked, seriously. “If this keeps getting worse.”

“_When,_ not if,” Jackson corrected before he could stop himself. He laughed helplessly. “I know.” Jackson looked at their hands. “I’m going to stick around as long as I can. But I know.” Jackson cleared his throat. “GOT7 comes first. Always. I’ll step away once it-”

“That’s not-” Jaebeom growled. “You’re not listening.” He tugged Jackson’s hand and Jackson stumbled forward. He bumped into Jaebeom and Jaebeom held him.

“Jaebeom-”

“When... when this becomes too much for you, for your body,” Jaebeom continued, trying to find the words. “Yeah, I’ll probably have to make you stop. I’ll _ have _ to tell Jinyoung. The group. The company, even. I don’t know. But it won’t be because “GOT7 comes first”. Not like that. It won’t be because you’re some kind of burden and don’t try to tell me that that’s _ not _ what you’re thinking, what you’ve _ been _thinking.”

Jackson closed his mouth, the protest dying on his lips. He buried his face in Jaebom’s wide shoulder, listening.

“It’ll be because your _ life _ comes first. Okay?” Jaebeom said forcefully. “Your physical and mental health, your _ well-being. _ You’re supposed to be around for a long time, Wang Jackson.” Jaebeom tightened his hold and Jackson shuddered. “A long time...” he repeated softly. “We’re going to keep you around for as long as possible. I don’t care if its on stage or not. The stage isn’t all GOT7 is. It’s beyond that, right?”

“You’re a fucking sap, Lim Leader,” Jackson rasped. “I get it.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll let you know when... when I need help.”

“When you’re in pain,” Jaebeom insisted. “When... when you go to the doctor. When-”

“Yes, Lim _ Mother _,” Jackson agreed with a smile in his voice. His tone turned soft. “Just... I thought you’d hate me.”

“...what?” 

Jackson shook his head. “I have your Soulmate’s Lines on my skin.”

Jaebeom didn’t know how to answer that. “I don’t hate you,” he said simply, sticking to the most basic truth. “I don’t think I can. _ Ever _.”

Jackson made a noise of acknowledgment. Jaebeom had a feeling Jackson didn’t completely believe him and he didn’t know how to fix that besides hold him tighter.

_ Closer_.

* * *

Jaebeom lay down on his and Jinyoung’s hotel bed and tried to stop his mind from racing. Japanese lyrics, new choreography. New music. Jinyoung.

_ Jackson_.

It had been weeks since their conversation on the rooftop. In the end, they had simply gotten too busy. Jackson went to China and the States. GOT7 went to Japan as six for the first time.

The separation had thrown Jaebeom off more than he’d anticipated.

“When will you tell me what’s been bothering you?”

Jaebeom came crashing down to the present and he jerked his gaze to the man beside him. Jinyoung was leaning on his elbow, looking down on Jaebeom. He was frowning and his dark eyes were piercing. “Jaebeom-hyung.”

“It’s-” _ Nothing_, he nearly lied. “Just the usual things, Jinyoungie,” he compromised. 

“It’s not Jackson?” Jinyoung inquired lightly. Jaebeom stared at Jinyoung for a few moments. 

“Doesn’t he fall under ‘the usual things’?” he conceded, warily. There was something unreadable about Jinyoung’s ensuing silence and Jaebeom felt alarms go off in his head. “Jinyoung-ah-”

“It’s fine, Jaebeom-hyung,” Jinyoung replied. He lay back down and turned his back on Jaebeom. “I’ll figure it out on my own.”

Jaebeom stared at his back helplessly. He reached out. The Lines on Jaebeom’s right shoulder warmed. Jackson’s begging face superimposed over the memory of Jinyoung’s cold expression and Jaebeom pulled back.

There was an itch on his left shoulder.

* * *

“Jackson-ah, I’m here,” Jaebeom tried to soothe. Jackson was a tense figure on the hospital bed, teeth clamped over a towel as they waited for Jackson’s new shots to take effect. Jaebeom had a hand in both of his and Jackson’s grip was painfully tight. “Jackson-”

“It fucking hurts,” Jackson breathed. The towel fell and Jaebeom used it to wipe the excess sweat and saliva off Jackson’s face. The tears. “God, it fucking hurts _ so much_.”

“You need to cancel your flight tomorrow,” Jaebeom insisted. “Come on, Jackson, you can’t work like this.”

“I have to,” Jackson hissed, blinking. “Jaebeom-ah, I need to work. That’s the reason I’m here in the first place.”

“Jaebeom-_hyung _,” Jaebeom corrected automatically but with no real feeling. The slip up had been happening more and more in private but Jaebeom found himself not caring as much as he used to. “Ah, you’re crazy,” he breathed. “Is the pain always this bad?”

“It only got this bad when most of Jinyoung’s Colors Faded,” Jackson answered, voice low and rough. “It’s not as bad when-”

Jackson quieted and Jaebeom was confused until he put the pieces together. “Are you better when you’re away?”

Jackson squeezed his hand tighter. “Only a little,” he breathed and closed his eyes. “The difference isn’t worth staying away from all of you. From... from Jinyoungie.”

“Jackson...” Jaebeom didn’t know what to say. He never did when Jackson alluded to his connection to Jinyoung. Jaebeom wanted to call it unhealthy. In the literal sense it _ was_, except that he just didn’t know what it was like. He could understand the devotion. He was lucky enough to give and receive it in equal measure with Jinyoung, his Soulmate. 

What he couldn’t comprehend was giving and giving and never receiving anything back. No. _ Loving, _ never receiving anything back and _ dying _ by inches because of it. He didn’t know what sort of heart that took, the mental and emotional capacity needed to just keep going. He couldn’t _ know. _The difference between them. What was it? What had made Jaebeom more worthy in God’s eyes for Jinyoung? 

A whim of Fate. A cruel roll of the dice. 

“I’ll be fine in a bit, Jaebeom-ah,” Jackson sighed. Jaebeom said nothing this time. He didn't even notice. “Just... let me rest a bit.”

A long half hour later Jackson had fallen asleep as the pain medication finally took effect. Jaebeom prayed it was enough to get him through the next grueling week of show recordings and studio time. He touched their hands to his forehead and he sighed.

“You’re amazing, you know?” Jaebeom spoke softly. Jackson slept, oblivious. “I imagine most people would close themselves off. They’d actually listen to the doctor’s advice and protect themselves, their hearts and souls. Just for a little bit more time. But you...”

_ You’re here_. 

“You opened yourself up even more. You give and you give and it hasn’t been just to Jinyoung. You’ve decided to love as many people as you can. Even me. You know. I thought about it, about what it must have been like the first time we met and you realized I was Jinyoung’s Soulmate.” Jaebeom paused and shook his head. “You told me you thought I would hate you. But Seunah...” He sighed. “I should have asked you this instead. _ Why don’t you hate _me?”

His left shoulder twinged and Jaebeom touched it absently.

* * *

Maybe he _ was _working too hard, Jackson thought in a daze. The lights were bright. Shadows darted around him. For a moment he couldn’t hear anything. Not the fans screaming in fright, not Jaebeom’s panicked shouting over his face. He couldn’t hear the stage hands talking. 

_ Jinyoung’s wide-eyed, worried face in sudden focus. _

Mark holding Jinyoung and Yugyeom and Bambam clinging onto Youngjae’s arms as they hovered just out of reach. Giving him space.

The ringing silence was sucked away and in its place was a roar of sound. Jackson sucked in air and coughed. He waved his arms, pushing people away and jerked to his side, pushing himself up and breathing harshly. His left leg was numb. Painless for the first time outside the hospital in forever.

_ Oh_. 

Jackson closed his eyes and pushed himself to his knees. Jackson wanted to grieve. He wanted to scream. But first. Always _ first_-

Jaebeom was by his side. “Jackson-” his arms wrapped around Jackson’s shoulders and in a moment of public weakness Jackson leaned into him. “You don’t need to get up. We can get a wheelchair, we can-”

Jackson shook his head. “Let me walk off the stage.” His words were only for Jaebeom but the producers standing close-by all shook their heads. “Jaebeom, everyone’s worried. Let me show them that I’ll be okay.”

“Jackson-ah, you don’t have to-”

“_Yes_, I _ do _,” Jackson hissed. He made to push Jaebeom away but the leader’s hold didn’t budge. Jackson stiffened but Jaebeom’s only reaction was to curse. A signal must have been given because Jackson found himself being hauled to his feet, arm thrown over Jaebeom’s shoulder. His other was pulled over a manager’s shoulders and Jackson let them take his weight.

The fans cheered and Jackson turned his head to look at the crowd that had sacrificed time, money and effort to see them. He was so sorry for ruining the mood, the experience that surely must have been a once in a lifetime for some of them. He smiled for them and raised a hand to wave, flashing a thumbs up.

The words of encouragement that followed were beautiful and pure and Jackson loved the fans. So much.

_ I’m so so so sorry. I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again_.

He kept his smile up as he looked to Jinyoung. The group. Jinyoung’s face was still frozen in _ that _expression and Jackson’s heart hurt. “Sorry,” he said to them. They'd have to stay for the live broadcast without him. “I’ll see you later.”

Jackson turned around and Jaebeom walked him off the stage.

* * *

Jackson felt the feeling in his leg return in a rush of pins and needles as they walked. It felt normal. It was disorienting. The limp lessened and with it Jackson was able to convince managers and worried personnel that he was fine. Was going to be fine. He’d just been exhausted and blacked out at the worst possible time.

It hadn’t been because pain had spiked through his body, lanced through his head, during the most difficult sequence in the choreo. It hadn’t been because his vision had blurred and his senses dragged through the mud and he’d lost his balance with his sense of hearing. He’d only been tired.

The excuse of mere exhaustion caused the managers to look at him with expressions of resignation. Concern too but exhaustion wasn’t new. They had a procedure for that.

Jackson held it in until he was allowed to be alone. He locked the bathroom door and waited a few moments. He leaned his head against it and screamed.

He didn’t need to take off his clothes and look in the bathroom mirror to know that Jinyoung’s Colors were completely gone.

_ The Shades were next. _

* * *

“What he told the company was complete bullshit, right?”

Jaebeom jerked up and stared at Jinyoung blearily. It had been an exhausting day. The fallout of Jackson’s public blackout and fall had caused fans to panic. People had been heartbroken, the description of what had happened had made Jaebeom realize that it had looked so much worse from far away. That concern had quickly morphed to full on support and tags trended on every platform imaginable. It was heartwarming and Jaebeom made sure Jackson had seen it.

Jackson had smiled, murmuring a subdued but sincere thanks as he was whisked away to get a cautionary check up at the hospital. Jaebeom knew they wouldn’t find anything, that they’d restrict Jackson to rest for a few days and nothing more. They’d draft an official statement and post to the official fanclub, articles would run and Jaebeom knew Jackson would make personal statements of his own. Life would go on and Jackson’s episode would go down as another idol succumbing to overwork and exhaustion.

He wondered how it would be, if people knew they had seen a part of Jackson Wang die on that stage.

_ What bullshit._

Jaebeom stared at Jinyoung blankly before reaching out and grabbing Jinyoung’s shirt. Jinyoung let himself be dragged in close and he stood between Jaebeom’s legs as the older man leaned his head against Jinyoung’s stomach and hugged his waist. His hands curled into Jinyoung’s shirt.

“Yeah,” Jaebeom breathed. “Complete bullshit.”

“Do you know what it was?” Jinyoung’s fingers carded through Jaebeom’s hair. Jaebeom sighed.

“...yes.” 

“Do I need to ask?” Jaebeom’s hands clenched and he held Jinyoung tighter. “Jaebeom-hyung.”

“I want to tell you so badly. Jinyoungie-” Jaebeom felt a tug on his hair and he allowed himself to be pulled back. He looked up at Jinyoung.

“He asked you not to tell me, right? Us?” Jinyoung was dreadfully handsome in the dim light of their room. He was glowing, bare faced and dressed in simple sweats and one of Jaebeom’s white tees. His hair was still damp from the shower. 

Jaebeom knew, that if he pulled the material of the shirt taught against Jinyoung’s body, that he’d be able to see the splash of Color that marked Jaebeom’s Lines on Jinyoung’s left side.

_ I’m so lucky, _Jaebeom thought in a flash. The guilt that crashed over him was sudden and heavy. He saw Jackson falling, body limp like a ragdoll and Jaebeom’s throat closed. He nodded his head and watched Jinyoung’s face become resigned and slightly bitter before settling on something pensive. He looked down at Jaebeom and his fingers curled in Jaebeom’s hair.

“It’s like he’s stolen your heart away from me.”

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebeom started. “No, Jackson doesn’t want-”

“I know it’s not true but the _ idea _haunts me. Has that ever happened? A Soulmate’s heart being lured away from their True Requited? But you know what’s strange?” Jinyoung’s hands were suddenly pushing against Jaebeom’s shoulders and Jaebeom fell back against the bed. He stared with wide eyes as Jinyoung leaned over him, hands on either side of Jaebeom’s head and knee pressed at the edge of the bed against Jaebeom’s hip. “Do you know? Even if it were true, I don’t think I could blame Jackson.”

* * *

_ “I don’t hate you. I don’t think I can. _ Ever _ .” _

* * *

Jinyoung continued to speak. “I’ve watched you the last few months. I’ve _ always _ watched you. But this was you _and_ him. I was angry at first. I don’t think you realize just how different you’ve been with Jackson, what it _ looks _like.”

Jaebeom made a noise, a denial on his tongue. Jinyung pressed a finger to his lips and Jaebeom bit back his words. His mind raced but Jinyoung’s words distracted him. 

“I was watching you and because I was watching you, I was also watching Jackson. I noticed something was _ wrong._ That something had probably been wrong for a very long time. You noticed it first. Or maybe you stumbled upon it by accident. Either way, I suddenly understood why your attention wasn’t on me anymore.”

“Jinyoung-ah, you’re on my mind all the time,” Jaebeom said softly. Guilt was crashing into him from all sides. It was like being caught swimming in the middle of a storm and in that moment Jaebeom felt like he was drowning.

_ I can’t look at Jackson without seeing your face in his eyes. But now I can’t look at you without thinking about how much Jackson loves you. _

The two were tangled together in his mind now. _ Jinyoung and Jackson. Jackson and Jinyoung _. 

“Jackson scared me today.” Jinyoung admitted. “He needed you on that stage. Jackson needs you even now right?”

“Jackson needs all of us,” Jaebeom replied. “Jinyoung-ah, come here.”

Jinyoung listened and lay at Jaebeom’s side. He curled into Jaebeom’s body, head resting on his shoulder and arm thrown over his chest. Jaebeom lifted a hand and threaded his fingers in Jinyoung’s hair. 

“You say Jackson needs me. That might be true, it might not,” Jaebeom said, voice low. “But Jinyoung-ah, listen to me. _I_ need _you_.”

Jaebeom turned and buried his face in Jinyoung’s hair. He pulled Jinyoung in close and held him tightly. “But he needs you too. The way he is with you, the way you are with him. Don’t take it for granted, Jinyoungie.”

“Jaebeom-hyung?”

Jaebeom shook his head. “Jackson needs _ you._” 

Jinyoung quieted and Jaebeom could almost see his thoughts swirl between them. Jaebeom closed his eyes. 

Jinyoung said something then, something quiet but ringing so true it was like a clarion. Jaebeom's breath hitched.

_ “We all need each other." _  
  


**Author's Note:**

> When I tell y'all I struggled so hard with this. I cried every other sentence, I deleted whole sections, moved others around, I lost track of the vague timeline. Jinyoung refused to cooperate for this story even though he's kinda important to the damned PLOT... 
> 
> The rest shouldn't be as bad, THERE'S GLORIOUS SMUT, but for reals, my emotions need a break. T^T


End file.
